Parental Savant Syndrome

When I was a kid, I noticed something strange about my parents. Sometimes they seemed to know EVERYTHING.

Once I was reading the Bible and my dad asked me to read it out loud. I read, “The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel: for gaining wisdom and instruction…”

“Ah, Proverbs 1,” my dad said with a nod.

“How did you know that?!”

“Well, I’ve read the Bible before.”

Wow. He had read the whole Bible! Maybe more than once! He knew which chapter I was reading just by listening to a few words! I figured the guy must be a genius.

And one time, when Mom was sending me to my room for a nap, I tried to smuggle a contraband toy in there with me. As I walked past--suuuuuuper casually-- Mom said, “Nope. Put that toy away.”

“How did you KNOW?!”

“Because I’m a mom and I know things.”

Wow. It was getting creepy.

I remember asking Mom and Dad about pretty much everything. They knew what every word meant. They knew how everything worked. They knew about historical events and how the government worked and what things were made of and why we can’t breathe under water and how to get to space and how you SHOULDN’T try to get to space by making a cardboard-box-spaceship and lighting the bottom of it on fire! They knew it all.

But here’s the rub: they knew nothing about Ninja Turtles.

I know. It’s taken me years to admit it to anyone. 

They were completely ignorant on the subject. They couldn’t even NAME all four turtles! And if you tried to tell them the names, they thought you were talking about classical artists or something stupid like that!

And don’t even get me started on their Batman knowledge gaps! My mother still calls this guy “Half n’ Half.”

These lapses were embarrassing. But as I grew older, I started to realize that my parents weren’t uniquely disabled. It seemed that everyone had a father or mother (or both) who were very intelligent but incapable of understanding important things like comic books and cartoons. 

How does this happen? When did the epidemic begin? Can it be stopped?

Perhaps the most frightening moment of my life was when I realized that I, myself, was beginning to exhibit symptoms of this disorder. It happened when my son was discussing one of his favorite television shows, The Octonauts.

In the image above, do you see a little Penguin guy? That dude’s name is “Peso.” (Yes, like the Mexican currency.) Peso is a doctor. I doubt he's a surgeon because I don't see how that would work with flippers. But that's neither here nor there.

Well, the cat-pirate dude is NOT named Peso, he’s named Kwazii. He’s a pirate cat. (I don’t know what other information you’d need.) 

Anyway, I once called Kwazii by Peso’s name. My son gave me a look that oozed confusion and pity.

“Dad, that’s not Peso. It’s Kwazii.”

Pause.

“You were just joking.”

But that’s the thing. I wasn’t joking. Not even a little.

I have Parental Savant Syndrome. It's the ability to know a lot of things while being a complete dunce when it comes to cool kid topics.

My son asks me about everything, just like I used to ask my parents. We’ve discussed astronomy, theology, geography, zoology, history and politics. I’m usually able to answer his questions satisfactorily. And I like to think of myself as a “with it” kind of parent. I mean, we watch his shows together and we talk about what he likes to do with friends at school. We talk about his favorite characters, animals and athletes. I'm "with it," right? I know what's up! But you know what? I’ll bet MY parents thought they were “with it,” too!

So now I’ve started to notice little comments and corrections from my son.

“No, Dad. That one isn’t the Gup D, that’s the Gup V!” (Both are types of fictional submarines, by the way.)

“No, that’s not the dog’s name. Were you joking?”

“I’m not being a REAL gorilla, Dad! I’m one of those guys that uses a power suit to give him gorilla powers!” (Okay.)

It’s always hard to admit you have a problem. But I think admitting it is a good first step toward coping. 

My name is Matt and I have Parental Savant Syndrome.

There may not be a cure for PSS, but the symptoms can be managed with proper Google searching. Try typing "what are the names of all the Octonauts?" or "how did Kwazii lose his eye?" or "where does a penguin even go to medical school?"

I'm writing this blog post to raise awareness on the subject of Parental Savant Syndrome. Let's hope that when our children are grown, someone will have discovered the cure. Until then, just nod your head a lot and try to seem like you're down with whatever they're saying. What could go wrong?

Retention of Awesomeness

For me, one of the joys of parenting has been finding things that I loved as a kid that my son also loves today. Some things just work. And kids of multiple generations can agree that they're awesome.

Not everything is like this. There are many fads from my childhood that just don't cut it anymore. In fact, looking back on them, you have to wonder how they seemed like a good idea to any generation. Here are a few examples of fads that have gone the way of the Dodo.

Things that did Not Remain Awesome Were Never Awesome

                                                                 Pogs

This was a game that encouraged young children to hoard worthless pieces of cardboard. Neat.

                                                            Furbies

Do they still haunt your dreams?

                                                           Tickle Me Elmo

Um...

                                                           Dragon Ball Z

If you still like this show, please stop reading. I don't want to hold you up while you're getting ready for your hot date. Heh.

Yes, it was a dark time in many ways. Will Smith thought he was a rapper and "every man did what was right in his own eyes." Chaos reigned.

Awesomeness that Abides

Fortunately, some things were awesome in spite of the darkness of those days. Some things have been awesome forever and will continue to be awesome as long as the sun shines. In those things, my son and I can find common ground. Those things are...

Star Wars

You knew it had to be first. It will always be first. Honestly, I don't know who likes these movies more, me or my son. And I'm not talking about the newer films or the slew of cartoons that followed. The original, simple, awesome movies. I showed Episode IV to Jono and he was pretending to be a droid before Darth Vader even captured Princess Leia.

Speaking of Leia, I don't know who Lucas originally planned to cast in that role, but if that's her picture in this early artwork, he obviously changed his mind. Carrie Fisher never looked that cool. Also, Mark Hamill never had those abs.

Super Mario Brothers

When I was a kid, Mario looked like this:

Now he looks more like this:

But the basic awesomeness is the same. Jono and I could play Mario together for hours if left unattended. Please pray that we won't be unattended all that often.

Pretending the Floor is Lava

We all did this as kids, right? And kids are still doing it today.
The trick is to use the couch cushions as little islands.
Never forget that.

Poop Jokes

Deny it if you want, but these are still hilarious.

Fishing

This is fun for the whole family. (Bright red Crocs optional.)

Camping Indoors

Camping Outdoors

And last, but certainly not least...

Batman

Always! Forever! In every reincarnation, Batman is the coolest. Before there was Chuck Norris, there was The Batman. Seriously, Batman retains a level of coolness that cannot be destroyed no matter how many Ben Afflecks threaten to portray the character. Batman is unstoppable! In every animated and live-action manifestation, Batman oozes coolness. My son knows this. I know it. It's about time you people knew it, too.

Come to think of it, I'm going to wrap this post up with a Batman montage. You don't even have to thank me. Because, good people of Gotham, a hero doesn't ask to be thanked.

But still. You're welcome.

Geography Lesson

Throughout the school year, my son has been learning about different countries and their cultures. I think it's great. I've always loved learning about other places and people. It's been fun to see (a) what his teacher decides to tell the class, (2) which parts of that lesson Jono retains, and (D) how he describes it.

I usually try to entertain, but today’s blog post is purely educational. And so, here are a few things Jono would like you to know about the world at large.

[Bracketed comments are my own and are far less important.]

Peru

Peru is a country that has llamas. You have to be careful around llamas because they’re like camels and they spit.

[Jono failed to mention the vast, historic empire of the Incas and the majestic archaeological remains of their civilization, some of which can be found at Machu Picchu. Llama spit is important, too. I’m just saying.]

Mexico

In Mexico, people like to hit piñatas until candy comes out.

[Mexico also has a rich history and interesting culture. But sure.]

England

In England, the queen is named “Elizabeth.” They call cookies “biscuits.”

[This is completely accurate and I have nothing to add.]

Alaska

There’s lots of snow in Alaska. Eskimos live there and so do Moose.

[Some people are offended by the term “Eskimo.” But people can’t seem to agree on a politically-correct term that covers all the indigenous people in the region, so I’ll allow it.]

[Moose are great. I have some on my favorite pajama pants.] 

[I know Alaska isn't a country. I’m not sure if Jono does. We’ll work on that.]

Italy

Italy has something like the Eiffel Tower except it's round.

[I have no idea.]

The Netherlands

People who live there wear wooden shoes called “CLOMPERS!”

[The Netherlands is a conglomeration of various historical states with a complicated history full of political and geographical changes. They have hilarious shoes.]

If you enjoyed this lesson and would like to learn more about various cultures, please consider babysitting my kid some Saturday evening.

Debatable

My son is a really sweet kid. I just want to say that up front. He's usually nice and caring. He's always hilarious. But he gets on these bossy kicks where he'll argue everything you say and tell you that you're wrong and try to correct your every word.

It's... um... well, what's a nice word for "Poke-Me-In-The-Eyeball Infuriating?"¹ That's what it is.

It's not all the time. It comes in waves. And those waves cause me severe sea-sickness.

Let me give you just a little taste of this habit. This weekend, we did a lot of family stuff out and about. Throughout everything we did, Jono kept correcting me.

"Dad, that girl told a lie."

"No, I think she just made a mistake."

"No. Grandma said it. She was lying." (Disclaimer: Grandma may not have said this.)

We agreed to disagree on this one.

Then we went to lunch. My wife explained to Jono that he needed to eat all his food.

"I think I only have to eat a number of bites. How many bites do I have to eat?"

"All of it."

"How did you say that? I just eat a number of bites."

"No, all of it."

This time we did NOT agree to disagree. He ate his food. Well, actually, he only ate until the point where he said he felt like he might get sick. And it even seemed legit. We allowed him to forgo the last couple of bites to avoid public vomiting.

Yeah, we don't mess around. We force our kid to eat to the point of illness. We're good parents.

We went to a museum and a toy store and we had lots of fun. Jono was great most of the time but every now and then he would start to get bossy. We kept warning him that this behavior needed to stop. It would stop for a while but then start to creep back in.

On the drive home, Jono dropped one of his toys. He asked if we could get it for him. On this particular day, I had left the Batmobile in the garage and we were driving the minivan. So I wasn't able to use the auto-pilot feature. This meant (annoyingly) that I had to remain in the driver's seat the ENTIRE time I was driving. This (unfortunately) made it impossible to retrieve toys from the back seat.

"We'll have to get that toy when we get home, Jono."

"I was talking to Mom."

"Well, Mom's busy, too. We'll just have to get it at home."

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Mom."

At this point, I lost my cool a bit.

"Jono, stop being so bossy! It doesn't matter who you were talking to. I'm answering! And you just have to wait! Do you see me driving this car? If I stop to help you, wouldn't we CRASH? You just need to be patient!"

The van got quiet; the peaceful silence of a grumpy father who shall not be pestered again. The silence... of a few brief moments.

"Hey... can you take this?"

A quick scan of the rear-view mirror showed that my son was trying to pass his drink up to the front seat where it fits nicely into our cup holder. I reached back and took the cup.

"... I wasn't talking to you."

Ok, remember how I said I lost my cool a bit? The thaw was complete at this point.

"What?! Seriously, Jono, it doesn't matter who you were talking to! Stop being so bossy!"

Silence.

And then...

"I just don't want to crash."

---

1 Grammarians generally agree that this word is "Belieber."^↩